For many Americans, sports fandom is a family tradition, passed down like an old antique. You’re not sure who bought it, and even if it’s outdated or simply awful, it better be in your home or you know you’re going to get crap from dad at Thanksgiving. In football, a team in the league is like its own dysfunctional family and a big part of that identity are the fans, passing their respective identity down through the generations, whether they like it or not. Every region has a unique makeup of fans that each takes on a different role in this family. This is the story of the East family.
Mom’s Side (AFC East)
Mom has four siblings, Bill, Pat, Dolly, and Jeff. Bill is a retired factory worker and doesn’t have a whole lot to be proud of. He did once try and start a business in the early nineties, but it failed after four years of losses and they haven’t been able to get a stable job since. Because of this he tends to be forgotten among his more successful siblings. Jeff is the oldest brother and definitely gives off a more successful vibe than Bill. He talks a big game and constantly compares himself to his younger sister Pat, but fails to deliver on most of his promises. It’s been a long time since Jeff has seen success and has had to move in with dad’s cousin Gina, who seems to be the only person in the whole family that can put Pat in her place. Pat originally went to BU and spent most of that time partying, not amounting to much until she got married to a rich man who helped her go back to school. She attended Harvard and since has been the most successful family member of the 21st century. She constantly throws this in peoples face and as a result everyone hates her. She doesn’t really care though because she’s kind of a sociopath and doesn’t get attached to anyone, except her aging boyfriend Tom. The youngest sibling, Dolly, pretty much spends all of her time in Florida, but has a summer home in Connecticut that she bought with the money she made from a successful business venture in the early 70’s. She hasn’t been able to recapture that level of success since, and seems pretty content in her nostalgia of that magical time in her life.
Dad’s Side (NFC East)
Dad also has four siblings, Gina, Dallas, Phil, and Red. Dallas is the youngest, clearly an accident as is evidenced by the thirty-year gap between him and his closest sibling in age, Phil. He’s the only conservative in the family and lets his presence be known loud and proud, especially at Thanksgiving. He’s also the richest member of the family, in spite of lacking a successful job in over 20 years. His siblings hate him, because as the successful baby of the family gets the most attention. Conversely, Gina is is the oldest sibling and probably the least hated in the family. This is because while she has seen a lot of success in her years, she has also been humbled plenty of times and has also played the part of the underdog often. This is especially true when it comes to the holidays. Many families may see disagreements at special occasions, but when Pat and Gina are in a room together. While it doesn’t happen often, when it does the competition between the two is fierce and Gina is seemingly the only one who can humble ivy-league Patty. There was an especially rough competition in 2007 when Pat nearly crushed Gina in a debate until Gina seemingly pulled out an unbeatable answer from her head at the last second. Pat never forgave Gina for that day. The only one in the family who hates Gina more than Pat is Phil, who is actually pretty nasty to everyone, even his own kids. He’s the parent at the park and rec soccer game who boos his own kid for missing the shot and is not above walking straight up to the ref, coach, or opposing goalie and giving them a piece of his mind. He doesn’t eat very well, mostly just beef and cheese, and is probably an alcoholic, though nobody has the guts or cares enough to help him. He hasn’t really had any major accomplishments, but manages to still be more loud and proud than any of his siblings about even the smallest victories he has. Finally, there’s Red. That’s not his real name, but only him and Dallas are actually okay with his real name, as it is considered by most to be kinda blatantly racist. It’s not his fault, as his parents named him at a time when the KKK was considered a social club, but even in the modern era he is still in serious denial. Red is otherwise a a pretty nice, average guy. He’s loyal, has respect for his family, and has even seen some success over the years, but it’s still pretty hard to get over that name.
Overall the East family is the most successful and prosperous branch in the NFL family and both Mom and Dad are quite successful in their own right. They tend to attract a lot of haters, but with how large and successful they are, they couldn’t care less about the rest of the NFL.